The Dictionary According to Spabbit – Volume 2 – Fucking ruining the language!

Following on from “Spabbitisms… Expanding the language in all the wrong ways!”, Spabbit brings you The Dictionary According to Spabbit – Volume 2 – Fucking ruining the language!

  • Ferp – Fuckery Perpetrator, or Perpetrator of Fuckery – Oi! You ferp! Stop with the fuckery already!
  • Chindian – Fusion food between Chinese and Indian – went down my mates house last night, he cooked the best madras with an egg fried rice!
  • Jarmarize – To rapidly dump the clothes of the working day and change into pyjamas – Can’t wait to Jarmarize and settle in my binch-cave
  • Fuzzogee – When growing facial (or other hair), and the urge to shave overcomes the desire to grow said hair – “Fuck man! What happened to your face-fungus?”… “Fuzzogee :(“
  • Cuntstipated – A overdose of cunts, generally in the work place – I got cuntstipated in the office today and snapped, those cunts ain’t laughing now!
  • Ectosnot – When you have a cold / manflu / manbola / bitch-sniffles, blowing your honker and it looks like something Slimer would leave behind
  • Wank Womble – Useless cuntmuffin-wafflecake – Fucking Wank Womble can’t even wank without fucking it up!
  • Walk and wank technology – Generic phrase which can be applied to any technology which is now mobile as opposed to fixed, example cordless phones greatly enabled phone sex amongst yuppies, and gave teenagers more privacy starting in the early 1990s
  • Wakkamole – Another word for Guacamole – Sounds way cooler, and reminds people (of a certain age range) of their broken childhoods trying to hit pop up stuffed animals in fairs, therefore bringing on massive amounts of disappointment
  • Alcogee – The point in the sober drunk sober cycle after “Is this shit working”, exactly where everything is shiny funny numb, and before you inhale a kebab and either sober up, or throw up – Dude! I’ve reached Alcogee – I need to stay here for hours!

Random and Old, or Old and Random?

We’re all getting older, right? (I’m talking about the standard humans here, not some mystical beings)

We’re all getting more random, right? (All of us, or just some randoms?)

Was I born at the wrong time, or was the wrong time when I was born? 🙂

At this point, you’re probably thinking ‘bullshit’, and you’d be right in some reality. Your bullshit detector would be right on the money. Except, it’s all true.

I’ve noticed, most recently and with an accelerating pace, that I’m getting more random, and older. As the premise of this article goes, I’m just not sure what’s coming first, or it’s just a coincidence that they just happen to be occurring at the same time. So let’s explore some of the random.

Music is like a canary in this instance, for me. When I was younger there was a distinct divide between old and new music, between classical, and pop. I’ve recently learned a new phrase “Low-Fi Soul” – to have a musical (or other) taste which is older than you are. I’m going lower by the day – my tastes are rapidly evolving to appreciate music either from, or in the styles of the 50s/60s – 10 to 20 years before I was even conceived. I think it’s driving my wife nuts, but that’s nothing new. It’s costing me a fortune, and I’m wondering where, or when (sic) it’ll stop. “Marriage is finding that special person to annoy for the rest of your life”…

Talking of the the music, here are a few fantastic examples of modern artists turning back the clock with modern fidelity. Hi-Fi, Lo-Fi hits :). I fucking love these…

And here are some random thoughts which have occurred, sometimes whilst sober (shocking, right?)

  • If, when you were 18, you had a detailed and accurate window into a moment in your 40’s (Assuming you’ve made it that far), would you self-terminate, or carry on regardless, not knowing the pain you’d go through between the two points?
  • Do you consider life is a shitpile, or it just is?
  • As you get older, does the world get smaller, or do you just see more of the picture.
  • Does seeing more of the picture mean you care less about the details and the missed brush strokes?
  • It’s all so fucking zen.
  • Why are you always calm in other people’s emergencies, but seldom in your own?
  • Are old people just grumpy, or have they simply used up their quota of fucks – Here, behold the field where I grow my fucks, you’ll note it is barren.
  • “It’s only money”.
  • Can’t decide if men or women are more cunty? Yup.
  • Everyday is actually a fucking school day. When it stops, are you dying, or simply learning about death, in depth?
  • When you know everything you need, it’s usually too late.
  • Ignorance is a rogue.
  • All problems can be resolved (or covered up) with enough money, more so as time progresses – what has humanity become?
  • Risk and memories are flip sides of the same coin, one cannot exist without the other. Courage and fear. Evil and no-so-evil.
  • Life: A kind of trick.
  • Talking of Evil. It’s the small bits of evil which are the most satisfying. Try little evil today, it’ll make you smile.
  • Drink wine.

Reasons why I’m not a c*nt

Reasons why I’m not a c*nt.

This is going to be a short article.

Erm… maybe.

Yeeeee nah, I’m a c*nt really.

Click the link below. You’d better like swearing though. There’s a fuckton of swearing, and for the less educated amongst you, that’s like 1000 shittons. So if you don’t like professional industrial level swearing which would put a roughneck to shame, or if you’re a snowflake, then scroll on by and have a nice life, otherwise read on.

Continue reading Reasons why I’m not a c*nt

When the fuck did I become an old man?

Recently something smacked me in the face so hard as to knock me into next week. Yup that’s right… fucking time travel, motherfuckers. Only this isn’t the nice kind of time travel where Doc Brown and a mongrel of questionable origin is awaiting you with a nice warm amplifier. This is the kind of time travel which makes reality movies about the collapse of civilisation look like a fucking cartoon. This is getting old(er)

So, as I was saying about the knocking and next week. It’s next week, and I’m old.

  • Things are too loud
      Yes, this is even though I wake up deaf with bad sinuses every morning.
  • Bright lights are too bright. Someone turn off the fucking sun – vampire? Maybe.
  • Alcohol sometimes works too well… Upside is a cheap date, or more then likely ‘night in’, as it hurts to go out…
  • All I want is for a nice quiet, dim, and peaceful pub to crawl into.
  • Oh, look… I blinked and it’s next fucking year.
  • My body has now altered it’s default setting to ‘ache like a bitch’ (Sorry if this offends all you bitches – not really.)
  • Music. I’m beginning to think of classical orchestral music as ‘super classic’ and 80s rock’n’pop as classical.
  • Clubs. What the fuck are clubs apart from dark, noisy, and hostile environments where the young get off their faces?
  • When the fuck did women start dressing in a pair of tights and some cling film to go out on the town – come on women – leave something to the imagination – I don’t wanna see your thinly veiled minge, even when drunk off half a pint of lager at four in the afternoon. Go put some fucking clothes on.
  • I realised my parents were fucking retards, nasty fucking dribbling retards with as much as an idea of reality as the most retarded of my cats – you know, the one which licks anyfuckingthing.
  • It doesn’t require alcohol to wake up (Yet again?) with a hangover.
  • People in their 30’s are referred to as kids.
  • I’ve forgotten twice as much as I currently know.

So getting older. In my imagination I can see a bold figure clawing away at the walls of life itself, whilst being dragged kicking and screaming into the eternal darkness, all the time screaming like something more wild than wild. Reality: Everything fucking hurts.

You know the worst part? I’m not evening fucking 45 yet, and I might have the best part of another 40 years doing this shite. Still, I’m a cheap date now, and by the time I’m much older I’ll be able to get off on a whiff of perfume 😉

Oh, and you people in your 20’s and 30’s reading this – you’ll all think that this will never be you. HaHa!

My vote goes to Labour in 2017 – this is why. #votelabour2017 #corbyn #labour

Whilst I’ve not always backed Jeremy Corbyn, I’ve come to respect his views and see through the media campaign to smear his character. Many of the published claims about Jeremy have been proven false, and are very distorted from actual reality – for example he has never explicitly stated that he will not defend the country, or that he supports the IRA; in fact, just the opposite. Just because he wants to understand the other side of the equation, doesn’t imply consent or support for that side.

He has integrity, more so than is demonstrated by the majority of his competitors, or by most people. His views also aren’t distorted by the blight on Humanity – religion, yes it’s widely known he is atheist; electing a leader who doesn’t talk to invisible friends is a good thing.

Anyhow, enough of the man, and more about the policies of the party:

Nationalisation: The UK has been totally ripped off by the sell off of public assets and services to the private sector, which to add insult to injury, is often compounded by the fact that said services, now in private hands and delivering profits to private shareholders, are subsidised by the tax payer… let me get this straight – a for profit private company buys services / assets from the government / the tax payer, the services often go downhill, and then we pay yet more for a worse service? Time to draw a line, and bring them back to public ownership – That is what Labour will do if brought back in. #votelabour2017

Defence: Labour will keep Trident, and will take the appropriate precautions to ensure defence of the realm. They’re not however tying to break life as we know it, such as the Conservatives trying to break Internet encryption, and turn our Internet access into that of China!

Tax: Fair tax policies, including a pledge to bring VAT down again – something which never should have gone up!

Education: Do away with tuition fees – Education for the masses, tax payer funded, is a must – otherwise how else are we going to make the most of our young people? Saddling them with what almost amounts to mortgage payments off the bat just isn’t right!

Costed budget: The Labour budget has been fully costed, and made public. Conservative budget – just a vague policy somewhere in the grey.

Immigration: A sensible policy of controlled immigration – not a set of wildly out of whack figures which simply aren’t achievable or economically viable.

Police: Unlike the person leading the Conservative Party, who has somehow been forgiven for the gross errors which have seen 20,000 police and 35,000 military cuts; Labour will immediately try to correct the monumental error by immediately bringing back 10,000 police officers. Who can say if one of the 20,000 police cut by May wouldn’t have been in the right place at the right time to stop at least one of the recent terrorist attacks?

Not insulting: Not once has Jeremy or the Labour Party come up with ‘Magic Money Tree’ or other such unfounded insults to their competition – just the opposite, they’ve simply stuck by their fully costed and publicly available budget & manifesto.

My Top 14 Albums!

IMG_4453This little Top album meme is shamelessly nicked from other sources, such as Facebook posts, still – I enjoyed making up the list and listening to a lot of music to make up my mind 🙂

  • Alannah Myles – Alannah Myles – The very first CD I bought back in the day when they were still new.
  • Albert King with Stevie Ray Vaughan – in Session – Blues, say no more.
  • Amy Winehouse – Paradiso – Always good for a drinking session (sic).
  • Clanad – The ultimate collection – This one got me through some very hard times back in the early 90s.
  • Dinah Washington Finest Hour – Classic.
  • Earth and Fire – The Singles – These guys are the alternate Abba – a little more raw.
  • Huey Lewis and the News – Sports – The very first tape album I bought, and not regretted a single minute of listening to 🙂
  • Imelda May – Love Tattoo – I got engaged and married with “Falling In Love” playing on a loop in my head!
  • Jeff Wayne – War Of The Worlds (1985) – Say no more.
  • Mike Oldfield – Amarok – Love this – few words, but sets your imagination going.
  • Postmodern Jukebox – Squad Goals – PMJ take a normal song a fuck with it to transform it into a masterpiece – this is their most recent album, and one of their best!
  • Robert Schumann – The classical selection – Yes, it’s not Mozart – think I’ve grown out of my Mozart days!
  • Sky – Five Live – Sky – those drugged up hippies armed with the most amazing pieces of music I’ve ever heard – Live is always better.
  • The Very Best of Nina Simone – Always good drinking music 🙂

… And that’s my 14 – spread over 30 years of collecting music… There are so many more artists in the collection, this is a small slice of my personal history!