So – Rantlets – A series of mini-rants on random topics
I do love a smash of random rants – good for the soul.
These Rantlets have been brewing for a while, eking out their thin veil of truth, trust, and a bucket full of sardonic-mode moral outrage. I’m letting them roam into the thoughts of the public. Keep Calm, and RANT on!
Just as a strict disclaimer… If you’re offended by this, assuredly none of the below (Or anything on this site) is targeted at you as an individual. Nothing here is anything-phobic, or rasist, or anything baring a good rant and dark-sardonic humour. If you’re offended, scroll on by and enjoy your life. If you laughed at this article – I like you 🙂
Continue reading Rantlets – Murder, Freakiness & The young who can’t use a telephone
As the title implies, this post will detail the one thing in life which we all have in common (Apart from dying, butt that’s taking the darkness too far around the u-bend)… And that is shit – poop, shite, discharge, dung, and stool. Merde, Scheisse, Kak, Mierda, and Gówno. I don’t want you to assume that this article will be guano, it’s going to be solid gold epically funny shit…
Getting to the matter at arse – we’re all full of it – shit – from the caveman to the supermodel to the tramp, we all have the shittiest thing in common – it’s the great leveller – pigs have understood this for years, and the shitty little buggers literally roll in it given half a chance!
Now this article will detail some of the different shits out there, and don’t assume for one minute that I’ll cover all the shit in one article, but this is my unique shitty view – coming soon to a loo near you 😉
- Express Shit
- This is the sprinter of shite, the prince of the playing field – this one will exit your arse at warp and with a happy little splashdown, and when looking down at this roadrunner fast little bastard, you’ll wonder if it ever came from your arse when it winks up from the pan!
- Hot Shit
- Now this little shit can only occur in the classical cycle observed during the morning after. Now the night before the morning after in this case will contain one or more of the following, and indeed the night in question may have been fuelled by an alcohol-induced-moment of fuckit which invariably involved a Vindaloo, or some kind of kebab with entirely much too chilli sauce!
The hot shit, the ring sting, the ring of fire – there can be only one King of the Arse, and that, dear audience is the Hot Shit! Some have even wept buckets for just being in the presence of this royalty 😉
- Torpedo Shit
- The images which the word torpedo will conjure will range from old war movies right through to the computer generated images of space-battles, but none of them match the real-life experience of the torpedo shit – this streamlined little fucker will get the sewer sonar in a right pinging mess! Exiting the arse port at maximum speed, it efficiently cuts a hole through the surface tension, propelling it around the u-bend and out into the main channel without even a splash!
You’ll know you’ve had an event with this one, but scant evidence will remain!
- Stealth Shit – aka shit-ghost
- The genuine spirit of this article – the B52 with the smelly payload – this is one sneak which those pesky kids and their dog will never catch! This is the prince of darkness shit – you’ve sat down, blinked, and there it is – looking up like a brown ghost in the night – and you’ve no idea how it got there. You stand in front of the great portal and wonder if you actually went – the evidence will speak for it self…
- Bomb Shit
- BOOM! Shake the pan! The Bomb Shit is here! We’ve all been there, this tightly packed dense ball of crap has been building itself in your bowels, probably after eating something you shouldn’t. The Bomb Shit hits the water with all the grace in which bricks don’t, and produces the splash of the century – when this fucker splashes down, you’ll think your arse needs a towel, not just some bog-paper…. Eugh!
- Bollard Shit – aka shit-baby
- For anyone who doesn’t know what a Bollard is (No relation to Bollock), please go educate yourself here. The Bollard shit, often referred to in its most specific form of Concrete Bollard, is the grand overlord of shits. U-Bends quiver in the night at the thought of this absolute beast of a shit.
It’s the shit so big, men actually talk in the bathroom – the sanctum of silence… So big as to make grown lumberjacks shed a tear. It’s the shit men refer to when taking the piss out of preggas women when men say the imortal line “I’ve taken a shit bigger than that baby”, and indeed like child-birth there can be some tearing in the mix. The terror of the sewer – I give you the Bollard Shit!
- Plug Shit
- Ending the days of no-arsetivity, coming in a strong contender for the most famous shit of all time, the Plug Shit. This little bastard is the broken down car causing the fifty mile tailback on the highway. When the Plug Shit happens, it’s an event. When the plug shit happens, batten down the hatches (And open the fucking window for fuck-sake), because there’s gonna be an arse-storm of epic proportions coming in the near future. I give you the prince of the arse-jam, the great bringer of relief – the Plug Shit!
- Snake Shit
- Slinky little bastard… you know the one, when you’re taking (or giving?) a shit, and it takes time, you can feel this one going and going and going… This sometimes happens after the Plug Shit, but bloody hell, it’s no an arseing around matter – this is some serious shit! This is the shit where people flush half way through (but not living on a prayer) with it still attached like some kind of sick brown umbilical connected to the main-line. It’s the hose from the brown port – don’t look down, it’ll bite!
- Shitplosion – aka Blunder-Shit aka Shot-Shit
- The grand exploder! The Shitplosion also often occurs after the Plug Shit has finished its performance, exiting u-bend. This is a nasty little fucker, and is often proceeded by rumbles in the brown jungle. This doesn’t so much as exit the brown port, it’s more a case of getting the fuck out. Remember the Mythbusters episodes where they tried to paint with explosives – I swear they got the idea from the Shitplosion – the one event guaranteed to coat the white funnel solid brown in a matter of a scant second. Boom, muthafuckers 😉
- Event-Horizon Shit – aka Alternate Dimension Shit
- Often proceeded by the thoughts of “How Big!?”, and “Where the actual fuccckkkk is this coming from”, I bring you the shit which doesn’t stop, the plop plop plop polpper of the pan. Seriously can one body even contain so much shit? You’ll be dining out on the stories and flashbacks for this epic shit-show!
- Honourable mention Shits
- No self respecting arse of a shitty article would be complete without mentions of “Fucking Shit!”, “Holy Shit!”, and finally “Oh Shit!”
Now if you’re still reading at this point, you’re some tough shit, but even tough shit deserves some light relief – so my shittiest couple of jokes:
A Dung Beetle walks into a bar. It says to the Bar-Tender “Is that stool taken”…
I don’t want you all to think that all my favourite jokes are shit-based, but they always come in a solid number two…
(I know you’re wondering… there are 63 mentions of the word shit (now 64!) in this article!)
Finally, don’t say I never post anything educational 😉
Recently something smacked me in the face so hard as to knock me into next week. Yup that’s right… fucking time travel, motherfuckers. Only this isn’t the nice kind of time travel where Doc Brown and a mongrel of questionable origin is awaiting you with a nice warm amplifier. This is the kind of time travel which makes reality movies about the collapse of civilisation look like a fucking cartoon. This is getting old(er)…
So, as I was saying about the knocking and next week. It’s next week, and I’m old.
- Things are too loud
Yes, this is even though I wake up deaf with bad sinuses every morning.
- Bright lights are too bright. Someone turn off the fucking sun – vampire? Maybe.
- Alcohol sometimes works too well… Upside is a cheap date, or more then likely ‘night in’, as it hurts to go out…
- All I want is for a nice quiet, dim, and peaceful pub to crawl into.
- Oh, look… I blinked and it’s next fucking year.
- My body has now altered it’s default setting to ‘ache like a bitch’ (Sorry if this offends all you bitches – not really.)
- Music. I’m beginning to think of classical orchestral music as ‘super classic’ and 80s rock’n’pop as classical.
- Clubs. What the fuck are clubs apart from dark, noisy, and hostile environments where the young get off their faces?
- When the fuck did women start dressing in a pair of tights and some cling film to go out on the town – come on women – leave something to the imagination – I don’t wanna see your thinly veiled minge, even when drunk off half a pint of lager at four in the afternoon. Go put some fucking clothes on.
- I realised my parents were fucking retards, nasty fucking dribbling retards with as much as an idea of reality as the most retarded of my cats – you know, the one which licks anyfuckingthing.
- It doesn’t require alcohol to wake up (Yet again?) with a hangover.
- People in their 30’s are referred to as kids.
- I’ve forgotten twice as much as I currently know.
So getting older. In my imagination I can see a bold figure clawing away at the walls of life itself, whilst being dragged kicking and screaming into the eternal darkness, all the time screaming like something more wild than wild. Reality: Everything fucking hurts.
You know the worst part? I’m not evening fucking 45 yet, and I might have the best part of another 40 years doing this shite. Still, I’m a cheap date now, and by the time I’m much older I’ll be able to get off on a whiff of perfume 😉
Oh, and you people in your 20’s and 30’s reading this – you’ll all think that this will never be you. HaHa!
Here are some random things, statements, whatever. Make of them what you will 🙂
- Around the age of 35, I decided to look for a wife, took me a while, but have mine for keeps.
- I cook only for those I love.
- You can go skiing in a car.
- It is possible to change almost anything in your life, eventually.
- All religion is inherently evil, and not a force for good.
- You can call me “Rev Spabbit”, as I’m an ordained member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Sardonic, right?)
- Morals don’t, and never have, come from religion
- Learning to cook is one of the most important things you can do.
- Don’t listen to Doctors too readily, always get a second opinion.
- Cats, no society can be civilised without cats * lots (We have 6!).
- You can choose your family, do so carefully.
- Sex. More fun kinky.
- You can sleep handcuffed, quite happily.
- Duty and Loyalty and right up there with breathing.
- Tattoos are fun, I only have one so far.
- Eventually, a computer will do as I tell it to.
- Be prepared to be wrong, admit your mistakes. Be gracious when you’re right.
- Always look at the actual evidence, and to many decimal places. If the evidence proves you wrong, then you’re wrong, deal with it.
- The Scotty Principle saves all.
- The 10,000 hours thing is true, anyone can do anything!
- If you’ve not been broken at least once, you’re not complete as a person.
- Science has the answers, even if it doesn’t yet, it will.
- One man’s magic is another man’s engineering.
- There is/are no god/gods, only delusional humans.
- Make shit count, when you’re dead, that’s it – all you are then are a collection of memories, eventually to fade. There are no second chances when you’re dead.
- Women and children first, anything else, and we’re all doomed.
- I don’t feel the need to follow every law, I think most are optional at best – it’s only illegal if you’re caught, but be prepared to pay the price!
- You have to sleep, so be good and moral where possible.
- Always leave your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.
- Live and Learn, or don’t live at all. Sometimes you just have to say “Fuck it”, dive off the deep end with that quivering feeling at the base of your spine. Done that more than once 😉
- Always try to be objective, and where emotional, make sure you can live with the results of your actions.
- If you’re going to take the path of least resistance, you’re invariably going to settle for less.
- Physical pain and pleasure really are very close to each other.
- If you want to do something, have self respect, at least Google it and try before going begging for help!
- If you’re afraid, it means you’re doing it right. Fear is the complement of courage, the fearless are invariably stupid. A man without fear cannot be courageous.
- Write shit down. I tell you three times, write shit down. Only a matter of time before you forget something important.
- Learn to say “no”, and be rude about it where necessary; the sooner you do so, and mean it, the better your life will become, and the more you’ll be able to support you and yours.
I found this one knocking around on the interwebs, and wellll… it’d be rude not to share 🙂
(Click image for high-res)
Do you ever wonder why you worry?
I’m worried about lots of things, all the time. Sometimes I turn to the common vices, drink etc… But why the fuck do we all worry all the time, soon enough we’ll all be dead, and when you’re dead, you don’t care anymore.
Fucking evolution and biology. Fuck them both.
The Human Condition: Bright enough to know what you are, and why you are. Too fucking dumb to do jack shit about it. Yup – there’s your problem.
This little Top album meme is shamelessly nicked from other sources, such as Facebook posts, still – I enjoyed making up the list and listening to a lot of music to make up my mind 🙂
- Alannah Myles – Alannah Myles – The very first CD I bought back in the day when they were still new.
- Albert King with Stevie Ray Vaughan – in Session – Blues, say no more.
- Amy Winehouse – Paradiso – Always good for a drinking session (sic).
- Clanad – The ultimate collection – This one got me through some very hard times back in the early 90s.
- Dinah Washington Finest Hour – Classic.
- Earth and Fire – The Singles – These guys are the alternate Abba – a little more raw.
- Huey Lewis and the News – Sports – The very first tape album I bought, and not regretted a single minute of listening to 🙂
- Imelda May – Love Tattoo – I got engaged and married with “Falling In Love” playing on a loop in my head!
- Jeff Wayne – War Of The Worlds (1985) – Say no more.
- Mike Oldfield – Amarok – Love this – few words, but sets your imagination going.
- Postmodern Jukebox – Squad Goals – PMJ take a normal song a fuck with it to transform it into a masterpiece – this is their most recent album, and one of their best!
- Robert Schumann – The classical selection – Yes, it’s not Mozart – think I’ve grown out of my Mozart days!
- Sky – Five Live – Sky – those drugged up hippies armed with the most amazing pieces of music I’ve ever heard – Live is always better.
- The Very Best of Nina Simone – Always good drinking music 🙂
… And that’s my 14 – spread over 30 years of collecting music… There are so many more artists in the collection, this is a small slice of my personal history!
Now in double decker flavour for twice the cute 🙂 Kip & Bobo…
Another one found online, and this made me belly laugh 🙂 Wednesday of the week off, and I’m now starting to relax!
And now for a better mouse-trap 😉