Category: #Funny Shit

Spabbitisms… Expanding the language in all the wrong ways!

Following on from the “Bit of a shitty post“, here are some of the more used Spabbitisms, those made-up words (Aren’t they all?)

  • The Snottening – this is what happens when you wake up with a cold, and snot flows from every unplugged hole in your head. “Oh fuck! I just had the snottening!”. Fucking manbola!
  • Squbes – Food substance – small 1cm by 1cm cubes of potatoes, coated in herbs and sugar, deep fried. Delicious!
  • Libarder – In a residential setting, where the house is only so big, there is only one room available to be both your Library and Larder… Libarder. Always good to have a reading room where there is a cold beer in the fridge 🙂
  • Snirty – Dirty & Stinking – Look at that lout, doesn’t seem to have washed in a week!
  • Binch – For when the insults Bitch and Bint fail individually, and both are required. Binch – A binty-bitch. Also Fucking binch, Binchbag… you can guess the rest…
  • Snart – When you sneeze and a fart is forced out as a result – often stings in the anal area. Always check for afterburner marks when this hits. Also applies to Cart – a fart forced as result of a strong cough – has been known to make people cry 😉
  • Mouse-Miles – When looking on Google (or other) Maps, and the distance seems to be a few miles, but when you get there in reality it’s only a few hundred yards Mouse-Miles.
  • Sea-maggots – Prawns or Shrimps – they look like curled up maggots and are equally nasty!
  • Holinobs – A more cheerful word for Holidays, and a mutation of the better known Holibobs – I’m going on Holinobs tomorrow!

Random and Old, or Old and Random?

We’re all getting older, right? (I’m talking about the standard humans here, not some mystical beings)

We’re all getting more random, right? (All of us, or just some randoms?)

Was I born at the wrong time, or was the wrong time when I was born? 🙂

At this point, you’re probably thinking ‘bullshit’, and you’d be right in some reality. Your bullshit detector would be right on the money. Except, it’s all true.

I’ve noticed, most recently and with an accelerating pace, that I’m getting more random, and older. As the premise of this article goes, I’m just not sure what’s coming first, or it’s just a coincidence that they just happen to be occurring at the same time. So let’s explore some of the random.

Music is like a canary in this instance, for me. When I was younger there was a distinct divide between old and new music, between classical, and pop. I’ve recently learned a new phrase “Low-Fi Soul” – to have a musical (or other) taste which is older than you are. I’m going lower by the day – my tastes are rapidly evolving to appreciate music either from, or in the styles of the 50s/60s – 10 to 20 years before I was even conceived. I think it’s driving my wife nuts, but that’s nothing new. It’s costing me a fortune, and I’m wondering where, or when (sic) it’ll stop. “Marriage is finding that special person to annoy for the rest of your life”…

Talking of the the music, here are a few fantastic examples of modern artists turning back the clock with modern fidelity. Hi-Fi, Lo-Fi hits :). I fucking love these…

And here are some random thoughts which have occurred, sometimes whilst sober (shocking, right?)

  • If, when you were 18, you had a detailed and accurate window into a moment in your 40’s (Assuming you’ve made it that far), would you self-terminate, or carry on regardless, not knowing the pain you’d go through between the two points?
  • Do you consider life is a shitpile, or it just is?
  • As you get older, does the world get smaller, or do you just see more of the picture.
  • Does seeing more of the picture mean you care less about the details and the missed brush strokes?
  • It’s all so fucking zen.
  • Why are you always calm in other people’s emergencies, but seldom in your own?
  • Are old people just grumpy, or have they simply used up their quota of fucks – Here, behold the field where I grow my fucks, you’ll note it is barren.
  • “It’s only money”.
  • Can’t decide if men or women are more cunty? Yup.
  • Everyday is actually a fucking school day. When it stops, are you dying, or simply learning about death, in depth?
  • When you know everything you need, it’s usually too late.
  • Ignorance is a rogue.
  • All problems can be resolved (or covered up) with enough money, more so as time progresses – what has humanity become?
  • Risk and memories are flip sides of the same coin, one cannot exist without the other. Courage and fear. Evil and no-so-evil.
  • Life: A kind of trick.
  • Talking of Evil. It’s the small bits of evil which are the most satisfying. Try little evil today, it’ll make you smile.
  • Drink wine.

Bit of a shitty post

Shit-headAs the title implies, this post will detail the one thing in life which we all have in common (Apart from dying, butt that’s taking the darkness too far around the u-bend)… And that is shit – poop, shite, discharge, dung, and stool. Merde, Scheisse, Kak, Mierda, and Gówno. I don’t want you to assume that this article will be guano, it’s going to be solid gold epically funny shit…

Getting to the matter at arse – we’re all full of it – shit – from the caveman to the supermodel to the tramp, we all have the shittiest thing in common – it’s the great leveller – pigs have understood this for years, and the shitty little buggers literally roll in it given half a chance!
 
Now this article will detail some of the different shits out there, and don’t assume for one minute that I’ll cover all the shit in one article, but this is my unique shitty view – coming soon to a loo near you 😉

  • Express Shit
    • This is the sprinter of shite, the prince of the playing field – this one will exit your arse at warp and with a happy little splashdown, and when looking down at this roadrunner fast little bastard, you’ll wonder if it ever came from your arse when it winks up from the pan!

  • Hot Shit
    • Now this little shit can only occur in the classical cycle observed during the morning after. Now the night before the morning after in this case will contain one or more of the following, and indeed the night in question may have been fuelled by an alcohol-induced-moment of fuckit which invariably involved a Vindaloo, or some kind of kebab with entirely much too chilli sauce!
       
      The hot shit, the ring sting, the ring of fire – there can be only one King of the Arse, and that, dear audience is the Hot Shit! Some have even wept buckets for just being in the presence of this royalty 😉
  • Torpedo Shit
    • The images which the word torpedo will conjure will range from old war movies right through to the computer generated images of space-battles, but none of them match the real-life experience of the torpedo shit – this streamlined little fucker will get the sewer sonar in a right pinging mess! Exiting the arse port at maximum speed, it efficiently cuts a hole through the surface tension, propelling it around the u-bend and out into the main channel without even a splash!
       
      You’ll know you’ve had an event with this one, but scant evidence will remain!

  • Stealth Shit – aka shit-ghost
    • The genuine spirit of this article – the B52 with the smelly payload – this is one sneak which those pesky kids and their dog will never catch! This is the prince of darkness shit – you’ve sat down, blinked, and there it is – looking up like a brown ghost in the night – and you’ve no idea how it got there. You stand in front of the great portal and wonder if you actually went – the evidence will speak for it self…

  • Bomb Shit
    • BOOM! Shake the pan! The Bomb Shit is here! We’ve all been there, this tightly packed dense ball of crap has been building itself in your bowels, probably after eating something you shouldn’t. The Bomb Shit hits the water with all the grace in which bricks don’t, and produces the splash of the century – when this fucker splashes down, you’ll think your arse needs a towel, not just some bog-paper…. Eugh!

  • Bollard Shit – aka shit-baby
    • For anyone who doesn’t know what a Bollard is (No relation to Bollock), please go educate yourself here. The Bollard shit, often referred to in its most specific form of Concrete Bollard, is the grand overlord of shits. U-Bends quiver in the night at the thought of this absolute beast of a shit.
       
      It’s the shit so big, men actually talk in the bathroom – the sanctum of silence… So big as to make grown lumberjacks shed a tear. It’s the shit men refer to when taking the piss out of preggas women when men say the imortal line “I’ve taken a shit bigger than that baby”, and indeed like child-birth there can be some tearing in the mix. The terror of the sewer – I give you the Bollard Shit!

  • Plug Shit
    • Ending the days of no-arsetivity, coming in a strong contender for the most famous shit of all time, the Plug Shit. This little bastard is the broken down car causing the fifty mile tailback on the highway. When the Plug Shit happens, it’s an event. When the plug shit happens, batten down the hatches (And open the fucking window for fuck-sake), because there’s gonna be an arse-storm of epic proportions coming in the near future. I give you the prince of the arse-jam, the great bringer of relief – the Plug Shit!

  • Snake Shit
    • Slinky little bastard… you know the one, when you’re taking (or giving?) a shit, and it takes time, you can feel this one going and going and going… This sometimes happens after the Plug Shit, but bloody hell, it’s no an arseing around matter – this is some serious shit! This is the shit where people flush half way through (but not living on a prayer) with it still attached like some kind of sick brown umbilical connected to the main-line. It’s the hose from the brown port – don’t look down, it’ll bite!

  • Shitplosion – aka Blunder-Shit aka Shot-Shit
    • The grand exploder! The Shitplosion also often occurs after the Plug Shit has finished its performance, exiting u-bend. This is a nasty little fucker, and is often proceeded by rumbles in the brown jungle. This doesn’t so much as exit the brown port, it’s more a case of getting the fuck out. Remember the Mythbusters episodes where they tried to paint with explosives – I swear they got the idea from the Shitplosion – the one event guaranteed to coat the white funnel solid brown in a matter of a scant second. Boom, muthafuckers 😉

  • Event-Horizon Shit – aka Alternate Dimension Shit
    • Often proceeded by the thoughts of “How Big!?”, and “Where the actual fuccckkkk is this coming from”, I bring you the shit which doesn’t stop, the plop plop plop polpper of the pan. Seriously can one body even contain so much shit? You’ll be dining out on the stories and flashbacks for this epic shit-show!

  • Honourable mention Shits
    • No self respecting arse of a shitty article would be complete without mentions of “Fucking Shit!”, “Holy Shit!”, and finally “Oh Shit!”

Now if you’re still reading at this point, you’re some tough shit, but even tough shit deserves some light relief – so my shittiest couple of jokes:

A Dung Beetle walks into a bar. It says to the Bar-Tender “Is that stool taken”…

I don’t want you all to think that all my favourite jokes are shit-based, but they always come in a solid number two…

(I know you’re wondering… there are 63 mentions of the word shit (now 64!) in this article!)

Finally, don’t say I never post anything educational 😉

Ageing Kinkster Problems

BDSM SymbolIt’s well known that as a society, we’re becoming more sexually progressive – more and more those people traditionally into their vanilla sex lives are looking to add some spice by trying BDSM, in-fact, it’s almost mainstream these days! Now, my (slightly) twisted mind takes that idea, and thinks immediately (as anyone would, right?) of the population hitting old age, and what happens to the kinksters when the senior years hit home!

Perhaps you can think of some more lines to add to the list!

Sooo… BDSM & Signs of getting older:

  • Using leather bondage cuffs for wrist supports
  • Wishing you had a rack in your play space – for health reasons
  • Missing your leather collar because your neck gets too cold
  • You don’t mind the beating, but you’d like something padded to kneel on
  • Ball-gags have to be soft as otherwise your dentures might be damaged
  • You can’t be locked up all night, as you need 4 toilet breaks!
  • You need a full quilt in the cage, not just a blanket
  • A Zimmer frame is also doubles as a bondage frame
  • You want to be chained to the bed, as it’ll help you catch up on sleep
  • Viagra is required for a function check
  • Your session music comes from the 60’s
  • Your mistress has to wear flats as she can’t do heels any more
  • You’re running out of hair for your top to pull
  • You get more strokes of the cane because your top forgot to install fresh hearing aid batteries
  • Electro-play helps give you that essential boost for the day
  • A trampling helps with your back pain rather than excite anything
  • You need glasses on to find the handcuffs keyholes
  • The doors must be locked otherwise the grand-kids might discover you’re not as innocent as they think
  • Vibrators need to be industrial strength
  • Nipple clamps don’t work any more due to excess skin
  • A butt-plug means you don’t have to worry for a while
  • You don’t mind being handcuffed and chained, so long as the chains are warmed up first
  • Cable-Ties are more for DIY than Bondage

​

When the fuck did I become an old man?

Recently something smacked me in the face so hard as to knock me into next week. Yup that’s right… fucking time travel, motherfuckers. Only this isn’t the nice kind of time travel where Doc Brown and a mongrel of questionable origin is awaiting you with a nice warm amplifier. This is the kind of time travel which makes reality movies about the collapse of civilisation look like a fucking cartoon. This is getting old(er)…

So, as I was saying about the knocking and next week. It’s next week, and I’m old.

  • Things are too loud
      Yes, this is even though I wake up deaf with bad sinuses every morning.
  • Bright lights are too bright. Someone turn off the fucking sun – vampire? Maybe.
  • Alcohol sometimes works too well… Upside is a cheap date, or more then likely ‘night in’, as it hurts to go out…
  • All I want is for a nice quiet, dim, and peaceful pub to crawl into.
  • Oh, look… I blinked and it’s next fucking year.
  • My body has now altered it’s default setting to ‘ache like a bitch’ (Sorry if this offends all you bitches – not really.)
  • Music. I’m beginning to think of classical orchestral music as ‘super classic’ and 80s rock’n’pop as classical.
  • Clubs. What the fuck are clubs apart from dark, noisy, and hostile environments where the young get off their faces?
  • When the fuck did women start dressing in a pair of tights and some cling film to go out on the town – come on women – leave something to the imagination – I don’t wanna see your thinly veiled minge, even when drunk off half a pint of lager at four in the afternoon. Go put some fucking clothes on.
  • I realised my parents were fucking retards, nasty fucking dribbling retards with as much as an idea of reality as the most retarded of my cats – you know, the one which licks anyfuckingthing.
  • It doesn’t require alcohol to wake up (Yet again?) with a hangover.
  • People in their 30’s are referred to as kids.
  • I’ve forgotten twice as much as I currently know.

So getting older. In my imagination I can see a bold figure clawing away at the walls of life itself, whilst being dragged kicking and screaming into the eternal darkness, all the time screaming like something more wild than wild. Reality: Everything fucking hurts.

You know the worst part? I’m not evening fucking 45 yet, and I might have the best part of another 40 years doing this shite. Still, I’m a cheap date now, and by the time I’m much older I’ll be able to get off on a whiff of perfume 😉

Oh, and you people in your 20’s and 30’s reading this – you’ll all think that this will never be you. HaHa!