Category: #Funny Shit

The Dictionary According to Spabbit – CUM Special

Never let it be said that this format is straight laced, so I bring you the third installation of The Dictionary According to Spabbit – Volume 3 – CUM Special!

For reference, the first two are: Spabbitisms… Expanding the language in all the wrong ways!, and The Dictionary According to Spabbit – Volume 2 – Fucking ruining the language!

Fu Man Goo
Jizz Fizz
Penis Pudding
Flying Salty Demons
Nut Custard
Dick Drool
Pearl Jam
Daddy Batter
Salt Milk
Salty Batch
Sploogeski
Fuck Muck
Pecker Pollen
Ball Barf
Love Mayo
Man Jam
Cock Snot
Wacky Racers
Man Glue
Legnogg
Weasel Pop
Population Paste
Pugwash
Ze Cumons
Fuck Fluff
Knuckle Children
Wood Milk
Dirt Pipe Milkshake
Prostate Pudding
Casper Load
Dick Sick
Cockfetti
Sticky Mc Stick Stick

Following on from the sticky mess above, here lies some bonus content:

  • El Shaggio Extremeo – Fucked – “Brexit? – El Shaggio Extremeo!”
  • Mouse-Bummed – Comfortably numb – “I got well mouse-bummed on the weekend, not quite rat-arsed ;)”
  • The Fuckening – Inevitable Arrival of Chaos – “The day was going so well, then it happened – The Fuckening!”
  • Crotch-goblin – Child – “Look at that pile of Broken Condoms on the couch! Some of ’em have even evolved into crotch-goblins!”
  • Significunt – Cunt who thinks they’re more important than other cunts – “Look at that self important cunt over there – they ain’t special, they’re just significunt”
  • Dumple – One Dumpling to rule them all – “Look at that dumpling, it must surely be The Dumple, the mother of all dumplings!”
  • Catoplasam – Feline Snot – “Did that furry demon just sneeze and fart on me at the same time!? Look, I’m covered in Catoplasam”
  • The Shitening – When you’ve had a skin-full the previous day, wake up, and take a monster shit, and continue to shit until your body is convinced the evil alcohol has been banished – “Dude, I got smashed yesterday, no hangover, but I had the shitening!”

The Dictionary According to Spabbit – Volume 2 – Fucking ruining the language!

Following on from “Spabbitisms… Expanding the language in all the wrong ways!”, Spabbit brings you The Dictionary According to Spabbit – Volume 2 – Fucking ruining the language!

  • Ferp – Fuckery Perpetrator, or Perpetrator of Fuckery – Oi! You ferp! Stop with the fuckery already!
  • Chindian – Fusion food between Chinese and Indian – went down my mates house last night, he cooked the best madras with an egg fried rice!
  • Jarmarize – To rapidly dump the clothes of the working day and change into pyjamas – Can’t wait to Jarmarize and settle in my binch-cave
  • Fuzzogee – When growing facial (or other hair), and the urge to shave overcomes the desire to grow said hair – “Fuck man! What happened to your face-fungus?”… “Fuzzogee :(“
  • Cuntstipated – A overdose of cunts, generally in the work place – I got cuntstipated in the office today and snapped, those cunts ain’t laughing now!
  • Ectosnot – When you have a cold / manflu / manbola / bitch-sniffles, blowing your honker and it looks like something Slimer would leave behind
  • Wank Womble – Useless cuntmuffin-wafflecake – Fucking Wank Womble can’t even wank without fucking it up!
  • Walk and wank technology – Generic phrase which can be applied to any technology which is now mobile as opposed to fixed, example cordless phones greatly enabled phone sex amongst yuppies, and gave teenagers more privacy starting in the early 1990s
  • Wakkamole – Another word for Guacamole – Sounds way cooler, and reminds people (of a certain age range) of their broken childhoods trying to hit pop up stuffed animals in fairs, therefore bringing on massive amounts of disappointment
  • Alcogee – The point in the sober drunk sober cycle after “Is this shit working”, exactly where everything is shiny funny numb, and before you inhale a kebab and either sober up, or throw up – Dude! I’ve reached Alcogee – I need to stay here for hours!

Spabbitisms… Expanding the language in all the wrong ways!

Following on from the “Bit of a shitty post“, here are some of the more used Spabbitisms, those made-up words (Aren’t they all?)

  • The Snottening – this is what happens when you wake up with a cold, and snot flows from every unplugged hole in your head. “Oh fuck! I just had the snottening!”. Fucking manbola!
  • Squbes – Food substance – small 1cm by 1cm cubes of potatoes, coated in herbs and sugar, deep fried. Delicious!
  • Libarder – In a residential setting, where the house is only so big, there is only one room available to be both your Library and Larder… Libarder. Always good to have a reading room where there is a cold beer in the fridge 🙂
  • Snirty – Dirty & Stinking – Look at that lout, doesn’t seem to have washed in a week!
  • Binch – For when the insults Bitch and Bint fail individually, and both are required. Binch – A binty-bitch. Also Fucking binch, Binchbag… you can guess the rest…
  • Snart – When you sneeze and a fart is forced out as a result – often stings in the anal area. Always check for afterburner marks when this hits. Also applies to Cart – a fart forced as result of a strong cough – has been known to make people cry 😉
  • Mouse-Miles – When looking on Google (or other) Maps, and the distance seems to be a few miles, but when you get there in reality it’s only a few hundred yards Mouse-Miles.
  • Sea-maggots – Prawns or Shrimps – they look like curled up maggots and are equally nasty!
  • Holinobs – A more cheerful word for Holidays, and a mutation of the better known Holibobs – I’m going on Holinobs tomorrow!

Random and Old, or Old and Random?

We’re all getting older, right? (I’m talking about the standard humans here, not some mystical beings)

We’re all getting more random, right? (All of us, or just some randoms?)

Was I born at the wrong time, or was the wrong time when I was born? 🙂

At this point, you’re probably thinking ‘bullshit’, and you’d be right in some reality. Your bullshit detector would be right on the money. Except, it’s all true.

I’ve noticed, most recently and with an accelerating pace, that I’m getting more random, and older. As the premise of this article goes, I’m just not sure what’s coming first, or it’s just a coincidence that they just happen to be occurring at the same time. So let’s explore some of the random.

Music is like a canary in this instance, for me. When I was younger there was a distinct divide between old and new music, between classical, and pop. I’ve recently learned a new phrase “Low-Fi Soul” – to have a musical (or other) taste which is older than you are. I’m going lower by the day – my tastes are rapidly evolving to appreciate music either from, or in the styles of the 50s/60s – 10 to 20 years before I was even conceived. I think it’s driving my wife nuts, but that’s nothing new. It’s costing me a fortune, and I’m wondering where, or when (sic) it’ll stop. “Marriage is finding that special person to annoy for the rest of your life”…

Talking of the the music, here are a few fantastic examples of modern artists turning back the clock with modern fidelity. Hi-Fi, Lo-Fi hits :). I fucking love these…

And here are some random thoughts which have occurred, sometimes whilst sober (shocking, right?)

  • If, when you were 18, you had a detailed and accurate window into a moment in your 40’s (Assuming you’ve made it that far), would you self-terminate, or carry on regardless, not knowing the pain you’d go through between the two points?
  • Do you consider life is a shitpile, or it just is?
  • As you get older, does the world get smaller, or do you just see more of the picture.
  • Does seeing more of the picture mean you care less about the details and the missed brush strokes?
  • It’s all so fucking zen.
  • Why are you always calm in other people’s emergencies, but seldom in your own?
  • Are old people just grumpy, or have they simply used up their quota of fucks – Here, behold the field where I grow my fucks, you’ll note it is barren.
  • “It’s only money”.
  • Can’t decide if men or women are more cunty? Yup.
  • Everyday is actually a fucking school day. When it stops, are you dying, or simply learning about death, in depth?
  • When you know everything you need, it’s usually too late.
  • Ignorance is a rogue.
  • All problems can be resolved (or covered up) with enough money, more so as time progresses – what has humanity become?
  • Risk and memories are flip sides of the same coin, one cannot exist without the other. Courage and fear. Evil and no-so-evil.
  • Life: A kind of trick.
  • Talking of Evil. It’s the small bits of evil which are the most satisfying. Try little evil today, it’ll make you smile.
  • Drink wine.