When the fuck did I become an old man: the encore – le bis!

So here we are five years from the 1st "When the fuck did I become an old man?" article... We're already at part two, La deuxième manche!. It only seemed like yesterday @Spabbit was born, now it's almost 10, a fucking decade in the making, and I'm a decade older! (Yes, I tenaciously made it this far lol). So here it is: When the fuck did I become an even older old man!

Video Game Retirement: I'm in the cohort of Gen-X aging not gracefully, and still playing video games - Why Mario, that's a fine walking-stick you have there! … Continue Reading

The Sound and the Fury: Surviving in a World That Won’t Stop Chewing

Misophonia, or 'Selective Sound Sensitivity Syndrome', is one tough motherfcker of a condition. It's not just about hating sounds; it's about certain noises triggering a storm of emotions, ranging from irritation to outright rage. It's like those sounds are picking a fight with your brain, and your brain is like, "I've had it with these motherfucking sounds in this motherfucking cafe!"

The science behind this is as complex as a plot in a Tarantino flick. It's not the ears; it's the brain that's getting all fucked up. Parts of the brain that deal with emotions and sensory input are going haywire, making everyday sounds like chewing, slurping, or even whistling feel like a personal attack. … Continue Reading

In Chains, In Charge: The Surprising Freedom of Surrender

Alright, let's buckle up for this roller-coaster ride through the world of steel bondage. Fasten your safety belts, or... handcuffs?

"Freedom through Bondage"... If you ask me, is a bit like dieting by eating more chocolate. Sounds counterintuitive, doesn't it? But hey, people love paradoxes!

Firstly, it's all about voluntary surrender of control. Think about it: "Here, take these keys, lock me up and throw away the key." Sounds like a prison sentence? Well, in the world of bondage, it's a holiday! You hand over the reigns and suddenly you're free from making decisions. No more deciding what to wear, when to stand, when to sit. It's like having your very own personal assistant - one who's really into using chains.… Continue Reading

Salty Language, Sweet Benefits: The Art and Advantages of Swearing

Swearing, much maligned and often dismissed as the language of the uncouth, holds an unacknowledged, but essential place in human communication. Like seasoning in cooking, the strategic use of profanity can add color, depth, and nuance to our language, enhancing its expressive capacity. It’s critical to recognize that the perceived offensiveness of swearing is largely context-dependent, adding another layer of complexity to its use. … Continue Reading

The Opposite of Porn!

During those odd hours, lunchtimes specifically, the mind tends to wander into areas we would all rather brush under the proverbial carpet... One of the areas for not wandering into is, of course, porn - this then raised the question "What's the opposite of porn?" - the opposite game is always awesome - such as the opposite of cheese is obviously mice :)

None of the answers people could come up with, and I've asked a lot of people over the last few years, were anything near valid, so I asked ChatBot GPT - and for shits'n'giggles also told it to write the Opposite of Porn in the style of the great Douglas Adams... I think it's brilliant, a machine language model not possibly having an appreciation or other such views on Porn (or the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - DON'T PANIC!) being able to output such! Enjoy :)

Ah, a twist of Douglas Adams! A task as challenging as teaching poetry to a Vogon, but here goes:

The opposite of pornography, you ask? Well, it's much like asking for the antonym of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: it could be anything from a cup of warm milk to a sincere apology. … Continue Reading

High Functioning Anxiety: The best jape from the fetid depths of Loki’s Mirth-Bank

This is the third article on High Function Anxiety I've authored, and as with the others it's been penned after an incident / flare-up whilst the experience is still fresh. It's almost like watching a dream, then recording what happened afterwards, so here goes:

Hollywood has, I would imagine several hundred times over history, made productions around super-powers gone bad – it's in the start of almost every super-hero movie or program that the hero discovers a power by accident, however it's never smooth sailing – there is always some degree of fuckery surrounding the newly discovered power. The fuckery in question generally has a light and a dark side, so the hero might be able to make a drink insta-chill in their hands, or might accidently freeze a loved one to death – either way the super power is doing it's own thing and the hero has no control over it – this is the phase High Functioning Anxiety is permanently stuck in.… Continue Reading

Religious Guilt Bullshit? Say no, and come to the dark-side, we have guilt-free cookies!

TL;DR - Don't be dick, no sky-fairy required. Read on for entertainment :)

Regarding sky-fairies and guilt. Yes, you only have to check some porn out and google "catholic guilt", or talk to any of those who profess to talk to the sky-fairies... GUILTY... yes there are those out there who believe the lies in the books, the snake-oil salesman who says you're guilty, and they can save you for a price! For us atheists, it’s less about ‘Thou shalt not’, and more like ‘I probably shouldn’t, but fuck it.’ But let's not forget, atheists (mostly) follow society’s guidelines like everyone else. No deity required, we ain't gonna murder/rape/pillage because we're not constrained by 'teachings' of a sky-fairy, thank you very much.… Continue Reading

Spabbit’s top words & phrases to be deleted! #Rant

Fair play - This one sucks arse, it's the ultimate low-brow, knuckle-dragging version of supposedly showing respect for achievement. Take your language beyond the secondary school play ground level!

Nom - Any adult using this word (and any other fucking baby-talk) outside of cooing to a baby needs to be fucking shot. Eating noises are beyond redemption, and using a word to mean such? YouFuckingWhat!… Continue Reading

Spabbity Cooking Tips!

I've spent my 10,000 hours in the kitchen, not through particularly trying, but simply because I'm old, and like cooking. Cooking for me is great, but only when I have enough time to enjoy it, which isn't easy with a full time job etc! So here is my collection of tips - these have been acquired over those 10,000+ hours and, well every day is a school day - never close your mind to doing something differently. If you make use of even one of them, then my job is done :) … Continue Reading

Motivational shit



Yeah, you’ll notice a lack of motivational shit here.

This is because I am / am not a c*nt; depending on your view point. Yes, this is a #rant, don't like rants... off you fuck to a quiet corner of the interwebs, otherwise read on!

"Kid, life is pain..." A well known quote from a well known Gena Davies film.

Her character is right - life is pain, and the only bargaining chip is time, it is literally the only thing we have, no matter what your Job and who you are - the only thing you’re getting paid for is the minutes of your life, and they’re in pathetically short supply. Trouble is, your function isn’t unique, and you get chucked into a random labour pool where the rate per minute of your life is largely beyond your control- this is largely known as life sucks donkey-balls… Continue Reading

High Functioning Anxiety



At a young age, [read: around 30 years back] I was diagnosed with anxiety - the doc at the time, a general practitioner, gave me some helpful meds, namely Valerian. Valerian supplied in the form of Kalms tends to move my personal perspective back a few feet, so it's like I'm driving my mind, body, and emotions from behind a firewall. That moment in the docs introduced an old-faithful coping mechanism. You will read in other places on the interwebs that there is no cure for anxiety, and I'd have to agree at the moment having an awareness for 30 years.

Awareness is one thing, coping is another, and further awareness and recognition is like the proverbial shaft of sunlight to the core of your being. This article is about recognising high functioning anxiety, and the coping mechanisms I've been unconsciously using for my entire adult life … Continue Reading

Further notes on High Functioning Anxiety and surviving abuse

So here are some notes for the non-abused, non-sufferers of anxiety…. If you have been around abuse survivors or those with anxiety, you’re probably under the impression you know everything and you’re not adding to the situation…. News flash - you probably don’t know shit, and you probably add to the situation with an astounding level of ignorance… Continue Reading

All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.



Some of you will recognise that quote from the movie Blade Runner - it's one of the hall mark moments in movie history, something which will never be captured again... which is the point of this article.

At the time of writing, I'm in my late 40s - this means that a metric fuckton of change has occurred in my life. Watching a Bill Bailey recording last night - Bill reminded me of some of the things now largely items of the past - if you're in the right age group for this article, and are scratching your head, then you're probably not British, just chill - some of these are sooo British, they all have a cup of tea and a cucumber sarnie at 4pm on the dot. … Continue Reading

Religious Abuse & John Lennon with his Imagination


The whole world should listen to the song Imagine, and more importantly pay attention. So that's that, or is it?

This is a unusual post for the site, a peek into the inner-Spabbit. So normally I keep my emotions in the strictest of control, set in concrete behind nuclear-grade blast shields - I am the level of calm which is only achieved after been thoroughly broken by life and the universe, multiple times, and then put back together again. So the emotions - they're blocked off, however a small trickle may escape through the tiniest gaps in the shields... those who know me will attest to my continual background leakage of arcane swearing and cursing - that helps. So enter in to the world the genius which was, which is John Lennon and Imagine. Imagine is one of the songs which will open those blast-shields, and let the emotional wreck see the light of day, so read on for a glimpse into the inner Spabbit. … Continue Reading

Rant: The Spabbit is back & The state of 2021

Disclaimer: This article is largely ranty. If you don't wanna read the rant, off you fuck to a boring corner of the interwebs.

COVID, decline in mental health, and having a bloody busy life has slowed down (read: glacial level) the pace of the Spabbit posts... win some, lose some, the Spabbit is still here, spabbiting up the interwebs. Now for some rants, one of the main topics of this site.

Fucking COVID. Where do you start? Well for one, fuck COVID. Number Two: When all this COVID shite started, we had real problems in the UK, you know - people dying and shit - nobody knew shit about getting over it, nobody knew shit about managing the virus, it was all stay the fuck home, don't touch anything, don't go anywhere, don't fucking breathe. Then we got better at this shit - it's airborne, so we can all touch stuff again, so masks, so silly rules made up by politicians.… Continue Reading