Just as a strict disclaimer… If you’re offended by this, assuredly none of the below (Or anything on this site) is targeted at you as an individual. Nothing here is anything-phobic, or rasist, or anything baring a good rant and dark-sardonic humour. If you don’t like industrial level swearing which would make satan bush, then scroll on by and don’t whine that you weren’t warned. If you’re offended, scroll on by and enjoy your life. If you laughed at this article – I like you 🙂
This is going to be a short article.
Yeeeee nah, I’m a c*nt really.
Click the link below. You’d better like swearing though. There’s a fuckton of swearing, and for the less educated amongst you, that’s like 1000 shittons. So if you don’t like professional industrial level swearing which would put a roughneck to shame, or if you’re a snowflake, then scroll on by and have a nice life, otherwise read on.
Today I stumbled upon summarized trash-science piece headlined “Eating fried chicken every day could mean you die earlier, according to a new study”.
A internal conversation was immediately kicked off in my mind, it went something like this:
- Voice 1:
- Oh shit, I’ve eaten a LOT of fried chicken!
- Voice 2:
- It was delicious.
- Voice 1:
- But if you carry on, you’ll die.
- Voice 2:
- I welcome the prospect of death by fried chicken.
- Voice 2:
- I want KFC, now.
- Voice 1:
- Well you can’t – it’s not even 7 in the morning.
- Voice 2:
- Voice 1:
- Voice 2:
- *silently plots to have a KFC later*
You think that’s bad? I have to put up with that 24/7 – and sometimes, I don’t even know what those inner voices are plotting. Fuckers.
Oh, and don’t even think of Googling “Killer Chicken”, apparently in some-place somewhere it’s a thing:
It’s well known that as a society, we’re becoming more sexually progressive – more and more those people traditionally into their vanilla sex lives are looking to add some spice by trying BDSM, in-fact, it’s almost mainstream these days! Now, my (slightly) twisted mind takes that idea, and thinks immediately (as anyone would, right?) of the population hitting old age, and what happens to the kinksters when the senior years hit home!
Perhaps you can think of some more lines to add to the list!
Sooo… BDSM & Signs of getting older:
- Using leather bondage cuffs for wrist supports
- Wishing you had a rack in your play space – for health reasons
- Missing your leather collar because your neck gets too cold
- You don’t mind the beating, but you’d like something padded to kneel on
- Ball-gags have to be soft as otherwise your dentures might be damaged
- You can’t be locked up all night, as you need 4 toilet breaks!
- You need a full quilt in the cage, not just a blanket
- A Zimmer frame is also doubles as a bondage frame
- You want to be chained to the bed, as it’ll help you catch up on sleep
- Viagra is required for a function check
- Your session music comes from the 60’s
- Your mistress has to wear flats as she can’t do heels any more
- You’re running out of hair for your top to pull
- You get more strokes of the cane because your top forgot to install fresh hearing aid batteries
- Electro-play helps give you that essential boost for the day
- A trampling helps with your back pain rather than excite anything
- You need glasses on to find the handcuffs keyholes
- The doors must be locked otherwise the grand-kids might discover you’re not as innocent as they think
- Vibrators need to be industrial strength
- Nipple clamps don’t work any more due to excess skin
- A butt-plug means you don’t have to worry for a while
- You don’t mind being handcuffed and chained, so long as the chains are warmed up first
- Cable-Ties are more for DIY than Bondage
Recently something smacked me in the face so hard as to knock me into next week. Yup that’s right… fucking time travel, motherfuckers. Only this isn’t the nice kind of time travel where Doc Brown and a mongrel of questionable origin is awaiting you with a nice warm amplifier. This is the kind of time travel which makes reality movies about the collapse of civilisation look like a fucking cartoon. This is getting old(er)…
So, as I was saying about the knocking and next week. It’s next week, and I’m old.
- Things are too loud
Yes, this is even though I wake up deaf with bad sinuses every morning.
- Bright lights are too bright. Someone turn off the fucking sun – vampire? Maybe.
- Alcohol sometimes works too well… Upside is a cheap date, or more then likely ‘night in’, as it hurts to go out…
- All I want is for a nice quiet, dim, and peaceful pub to crawl into.
- Oh, look… I blinked and it’s next fucking year.
- My body has now altered it’s default setting to ‘ache like a bitch’ (Sorry if this offends all you bitches – not really.)
- Music. I’m beginning to think of classical orchestral music as ‘super classic’ and 80s rock’n’pop as classical.
- Clubs. What the fuck are clubs apart from dark, noisy, and hostile environments where the young get off their faces?
- When the fuck did women start dressing in a pair of tights and some cling film to go out on the town – come on women – leave something to the imagination – I don’t wanna see your thinly veiled minge, even when drunk off half a pint of lager at four in the afternoon. Go put some fucking clothes on.
- I realised my parents were fucking retards, nasty fucking dribbling retards with as much as an idea of reality as the most retarded of my cats – you know, the one which licks anyfuckingthing.
- It doesn’t require alcohol to wake up (Yet again?) with a hangover.
- People in their 30’s are referred to as kids.
- I’ve forgotten twice as much as I currently know.
So getting older. In my imagination I can see a bold figure clawing away at the walls of life itself, whilst being dragged kicking and screaming into the eternal darkness, all the time screaming like something more wild than wild. Reality: Everything fucking hurts.
You know the worst part? I’m not evening fucking 45 yet, and I might have the best part of another 40 years doing this shite. Still, I’m a cheap date now, and by the time I’m much older I’ll be able to get off on a whiff of perfume 😉
Oh, and you people in your 20’s and 30’s reading this – you’ll all think that this will never be you. HaHa!
Around a couple of weeks ago, I had a moment – the moment was a realisation that I was hooked on something, and just like any addict, I just couldn’t leave it alone. Now I’m not your typical person in regard to addiction – I can stop and start both alcohol and nicotine on a dime, as the Americans would say. Yup, very true – friends, colleagues and family all call me various names for my ability to go cold turkey and not turn into a raging monster (Then there’s the other side where I start up with no ill effects!).
Anyhow, despite my lack of traditional addiction, in the moment, I realised that Facebook was an unwelcome intruder in my mind, every five minutes whilst watching TV I’d be on the endless scroll quest to get yet more crap. I’m particular in the crap which flows in – for example, I don’t watch adverts on TV, and try to limit my news intake. Yet despite everything there was Facebook – even saying “Facebook” sounds like some kind of dirty word now.
I understand that some aspect, in a vague nebulous way, some long-ago nascent thought said “It’s a great way to keep up with Friends and Family”. It lied. You know the best way to keep with Friends and Family. See them. Call them. Be with them. Try it, you’ll appreciate the fresh yet old-fashioned way of doing things. Be in the moment. There is no spoon!
At first the revulsion was so bad, I turned off my devices and left them in another room. If I was going to go cold-turkey, I was going to do it full-bore. I managed to make that last most of a weekend, and then I had to re-join the connected-world (I work in I.T. and it’s kinda expected that you’re online 24*7). Even now, getting connected to the News and the world still gives me a mental twitch which I can’t shrug off. I’m conversant with the sardonic nature of recording these thoughts and posting them online – it’s like a great big dirty burger of filth, demolished with gusto, coming back with that sick sinking feeling of “What have I done!?”.
Can I escape Facebook completely? No. The insidious Facebook has managed to weave itself into minds and hearts like some kind of meme-virus. The insidious Facebook had managed to integrate into modern society, it’s truly the electronic equivalent of a symbiote. Instead of a community notice board for my area, there is a Facebook Group. Instead of a buy and sell board, there is a Facebook Buy & Sell Group. Instead of phoning up the local authority, they’re on Facebook, posting official notifications for the masses to digest. You get the picture – Facebook has a Face-Tentacle in everything everywhere.
Where am I left now? In Face-Limbo.
Simple article: How dare these bastards protect child abusers.
One might be suggesting that these scum-vermin burn in the fires of their self created hell. You got it folks, personally as a victim of abuse at the hands of the catholic church this hits close to home, they promote abuse, they protect abusers, here in black and white from the Guardian. How can the members of the catholic cult claim to have any morals? If you, as a normal, moral human found out that a club you belonged to promoted and covered up child abuse, would you A) Report them to the authorities, B) Kick shit out of them, or C) LEAVE THE CLUB… Note none of the options in the previous sentence are STAY IN THE CLUB AND PROTECT THE ABUSERS… Just what is wrong with them!!!
Yes, this is a rant. No, staying a member of an organisation which protects abusers isn’t the same as being an abuser, for the individual to be protecting an abuser on a personal basis – but it is being complicit, supporting those abusers and those who protect the abusers. It’s not the same as living in a country with a hideous human rights record where you can’t leave – membership of a cult is a choice, especially when you’re informed of the abusive actions of said cult.
I was listening to the Jeremy Vine show on BBC Radio 2, the subject matter, centred around “the right to take offense” struck a chord with me. In the programme, the author Claire Fox described her experiences with young adults which inspired her to write the book, “I Find That Offensive“.
I agree 100% with everything she says in the book, and I fear for the future of the society which allows, and to a lesser extent encourages this behaviour among the young.
It’s a very interesting read, which I would strongly recommend to any thinking and reasoning adult – and if you have the opportunity to change the mind of a young person to be more open and less offended, then please enable that most vital skill set whenever, and wherever you can; survival of the race by decreasing future offended-wars is a noble quest. (I’m also of the opinion this ties in with a secular or atheist point of view, I strongly suspect the religious mind isn’t capable of this, not truly…)
This is where Blasphemy started, and we all know how fucking evil that shit is – people have been killing and torturing other people throughout the ages in the name of that fucker, and the worst thing, it still goes on today – however it now seems that the youth of today is intent on broadening this to other subjects as well… Claire Fox describes a talk regarding a footballer, convicted of rape, discussing whether or not he should resume his career, where any other points of view than further, and more extreme methods of punishment were shouted down, and effectively banned by the court of “I’m offended” – it’s a sad state of affairs when our young adults are so mentally closeted they can’t even hear the opinion of others.
It’s my personal opinion that they’ve simply had it too easy, they don’t know what real life is actually like, they’ve never struggled for crusts of bread, they’ve never been broken, never hit rock bottom and then fallen some more – IF you’ve been unfortunate (Or should I say fortunate?) enough to have been that broken, you know, you just fucking know that life isn’t that simple. The act of being broken – it makes you – when coming out the other side, you have a fresh appreciation of what actually matters, and you know, just being fucking offended simply doesn’t live in the same universe as real life.
Here are a couple of quotes of mine, and I sincerely hope they offend someone somewhere…
“Offended? – Good. Makes you feel alive. Everyone has the right to be offended, cause offence and be told to fuck off, quite equally. Anyone who thinks anything else is clearly fucking insane.”
“Anyone who is offended merely by words not the context / intent of the words is truly stupid.
Stupidity is the only universal crime.
Darwin for the win.”
Whilst I’ve not always backed Jeremy Corbyn, I’ve come to respect his views and see through the media campaign to smear his character. Many of the published claims about Jeremy have been proven false, and are very distorted from actual reality – for example he has never explicitly stated that he will not defend the country, or that he supports the IRA; in fact, just the opposite. Just because he wants to understand the other side of the equation, doesn’t imply consent or support for that side.
He has integrity, more so than is demonstrated by the majority of his competitors, or by most people. His views also aren’t distorted by the blight on Humanity – religion, yes it’s widely known he is atheist; electing a leader who doesn’t talk to invisible friends is a good thing.
Anyhow, enough of the man, and more about the policies of the party:
Nationalisation: The UK has been totally ripped off by the sell off of public assets and services to the private sector, which to add insult to injury, is often compounded by the fact that said services, now in private hands and delivering profits to private shareholders, are subsidised by the tax payer… let me get this straight – a for profit private company buys services / assets from the government / the tax payer, the services often go downhill, and then we pay yet more for a worse service? Time to draw a line, and bring them back to public ownership – That is what Labour will do if brought back in. #votelabour2017
Defence: Labour will keep Trident, and will take the appropriate precautions to ensure defence of the realm. They’re not however tying to break life as we know it, such as the Conservatives trying to break Internet encryption, and turn our Internet access into that of China!
Tax: Fair tax policies, including a pledge to bring VAT down again – something which never should have gone up!
Education: Do away with tuition fees – Education for the masses, tax payer funded, is a must – otherwise how else are we going to make the most of our young people? Saddling them with what almost amounts to mortgage payments off the bat just isn’t right!
Costed budget: The Labour budget has been fully costed, and made public. Conservative budget – just a vague policy somewhere in the grey.
Immigration: A sensible policy of controlled immigration – not a set of wildly out of whack figures which simply aren’t achievable or economically viable.
Police: Unlike the person leading the Conservative Party, who has somehow been forgiven for the gross errors which have seen 20,000 police and 35,000 military cuts; Labour will immediately try to correct the monumental error by immediately bringing back 10,000 police officers. Who can say if one of the 20,000 police cut by May wouldn’t have been in the right place at the right time to stop at least one of the recent terrorist attacks?
Not insulting: Not once has Jeremy or the Labour Party come up with ‘Magic Money Tree’ or other such unfounded insults to their competition – just the opposite, they’ve simply stuck by their fully costed and publicly available budget & manifesto.
- Around the age of 35, I decided to look for a wife, took me a while, but have mine for keeps.
- I cook only for those I love.
- You can go skiing in a car.
- It is possible to change almost anything in your life, eventually.
- All religion is inherently evil, and not a force for good.
- You can call me “Rev Spabbit”, as I’m an ordained member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Sardonic, right?)
- Morals don’t, and never have, come from religion
- Learning to cook is one of the most important things you can do.
- Don’t listen to Doctors too readily, always get a second opinion.
- Cats, no society can be civilised without cats * lots (We have 6!).
- You can choose your family, do so carefully.
- Sex. More fun kinky.
- You can sleep handcuffed, quite happily.
- Duty and Loyalty and right up there with breathing.
- Tattoos are fun, I only have one so far.
- Eventually, a computer will do as I tell it to.
- Be prepared to be wrong, admit your mistakes. Be gracious when you’re right.
- Always look at the actual evidence, and to many decimal places. If the evidence proves you wrong, then you’re wrong, deal with it.
- The Scotty Principle saves all.
- The 10,000 hours thing is true, anyone can do anything!
- If you’ve not been broken at least once, you’re not complete as a person.
- Science has the answers, even if it doesn’t yet, it will.
- One man’s magic is another man’s engineering.
- There is/are no god/gods, only delusional humans.
- Make shit count, when you’re dead, that’s it – all you are then are a collection of memories, eventually to fade. There are no second chances when you’re dead.
- Women and children first, anything else, and we’re all doomed.
- I don’t feel the need to follow every law, I think most are optional at best – it’s only illegal if you’re caught, but be prepared to pay the price!
- You have to sleep, so be good and moral where possible.
- Always leave your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.
- Live and Learn, or don’t live at all. Sometimes you just have to say “Fuck it”, dive off the deep end with that quivering feeling at the base of your spine. Done that more than once 😉
- Always try to be objective, and where emotional, make sure you can live with the results of your actions.
- If you’re going to take the path of least resistance, you’re invariably going to settle for less.
- Physical pain and pleasure really are very close to each other.
- If you want to do something, have self respect, at least Google it and try before going begging for help!
- If you’re afraid, it means you’re doing it right. Fear is the complement of courage, the fearless are invariably stupid. A man without fear cannot be courageous.
- Write shit down. I tell you three times, write shit down. Only a matter of time before you forget something important.
- Learn to say “no”, and be rude about it where necessary; the sooner you do so, and mean it, the better your life will become, and the more you’ll be able to support you and yours.