As the title implies, this post will detail the one thing in life which we all have in common (Apart from dying, butt that’s taking the darkness too far around the u-bend)… And that is shit – poop, shite, discharge, dung, and stool. Merde, Scheisse, Kak, Mierda, and Gówno. I don’t want you to assume that this article will be guano, it’s going to be solid gold epically funny shit…
Getting to the matter at arse – we’re all full of it – shit – from the caveman to the supermodel to the tramp, we all have the shittiest thing in common – it’s the great leveller – pigs have understood this for years, and the shitty little buggers literally roll in it given half a chance!
Now this article will detail some of the different shits out there, and don’t assume for one minute that I’ll cover all the shit in one article, but this is my unique shitty view – coming soon to a loo near you 😉
- Express Shit
This is the sprinter of shite, the prince of the playing field – this one will exit your arse at warp and with a happy little splashdown, and when looking down at this roadrunner fast little bastard, you’ll wonder if it ever came from your arse when it winks up from the pan!
- Hot Shit
Now this little shit can only occur in the classical cycle observed during the morning after. Now the night before the morning after in this case will contain one or more of the following, and indeed the night in question may have been fuelled by an alcohol-induced-moment of fuckit which invariably involved a Vindaloo, or some kind of kebab with entirely much too chilli sauce!
The hot shit, the ring sting, the ring of fire – there can be only one King of the Arse, and that, dear audience is the Hot Shit! Some have even wept buckets for just being in the presence of this royalty 😉
- Torpedo Shit
The images which the word torpedo will conjure will range from old war movies right through to the computer generated images of space-battles, but none of them match the real-life experience of the torpedo shit – this streamlined little fucker will get the sewer sonar in a right pinging mess! Exiting the arse port at maximum speed, it efficiently cuts a hole through the surface tension, propelling it around the u-bend and out into the main channel without even a splash!
You’ll know you’ve had an event with this one, but scant evidence will remain!
- Stealth Shit – aka shit-ghost
The genuine spirit of this article – the B52 with the smelly payload – this is one sneak which those pesky kids and their dog will never catch! This is the prince of darkness shit – you’ve sat down, blinked, and there it is – looking up like a brown ghost in the night – and you’ve no idea how it got there. You stand in front of the great portal and wonder if you actually went – the evidence will speak for it self…
- Bomb Shit
BOOM! Shake the pan! The Bomb Shit is here! We’ve all been there, this tightly packed dense ball of crap has been building itself in your bowels, probably after eating something you shouldn’t. The Bomb Shit hits the water with all the grace in which bricks don’t, and produces the splash of the century – when this fucker splashes down, you’ll think your arse needs a towel, not just some bog-paper…. Eugh!
- Bollard Shit – aka shit-baby
For anyone who doesn’t know what a Bollard is (No relation to Bollock), please go educate yourself here. The Bollard shit, often referred to in its most specific form of Concrete Bollard, is the grand overlord of shits. U-Bends quiver in the night at the thought of this absolute beast of a shit.
It’s the shit so big, men actually talk in the bathroom – the sanctum of silence… So big as to make grown lumberjacks shed a tear. It’s the shit men refer to when taking the piss out of preggas women when men say the imortal line “I’ve taken a shit bigger than that baby”, and indeed like child-birth there can be some tearing in the mix. The terror of the sewer – I give you the Bollard Shit!
- Plug Shit
Ending the days of no-arsetivity, coming in a strong contender for the most famous shit of all time, the Plug Shit. This little bastard is the broken down car causing the fifty mile tailback on the highway. When the Plug Shit happens, it’s an event. When the plug shit happens, batten down the hatches (And open the fucking window for fuck-sake), because there’s gonna be an arse-storm of epic proportions coming in the near future. I give you the prince of the arse-jam, the great bringer of relief – the Plug Shit!
- Snake Shit
Slinky little bastard… you know the one, when you’re taking (or giving?) a shit, and it takes time, you can feel this one going and going and going… This sometimes happens after the Plug Shit, but bloody hell, it’s no an arseing around matter – this is some serious shit! This is the shit where people flush half way through (but not living on a prayer) with it still attached like some kind of sick brown umbilical connected to the main-line. It’s the hose from the brown port – don’t look down, it’ll bite!
- Shitplosion – aka Blunder-Shit aka Shot-Shit
The grand exploder! The Shitplosion also often occurs after the Plug Shit has finished its performance, exiting u-bend. This is a nasty little fucker, and is often proceeded by rumbles in the brown jungle. This doesn’t so much as exit the brown port, it’s more a case of getting the fuck out. Remember the Mythbusters episodes where they tried to paint with explosives – I swear they got the idea from the Shitplosion – the one event guaranteed to coat the white funnel solid brown in a matter of a scant second. Boom, muthafuckers 😉
- Event-Horizon Shit – aka Alternate Dimension Shit
Often proceeded by the thoughts of “How Big!?”, and “Where the actual fuccckkkk is this coming from”, I bring you the shit which doesn’t stop, the plop plop plop polpper of the pan. Seriously can one body even contain so much shit? You’ll be dining out on the stories and flashbacks for this epic shit-show!
- Honourable mention Shits
- No self respecting arse of a shitty article would be complete without mentions of “Fucking Shit!”, “Holy Shit!”, and finally “Oh Shit!”
Now if you’re still reading at this point, you’re some tough shit, but even tough shit deserves some light relief – so my shittiest couple of jokes:
A Dung Beetle walks into a bar. It says to the Bar-Tender “Is that stool taken”…
I don’t want you all to think that all my favourite jokes are shit-based, but they always come in a solid number two…
(I know you’re wondering… there are 63 mentions of the word shit (now 64!) in this article!)
Finally, don’t say I never post anything educational 😉
Rantlets – don’t you just love a good rant? Well, here are some mini rants – Agree or not, at least have a laugh, you twisted little bugger.
