My Novatech experience.

Looking at the pic to the right of the inside of a new PC. What’s wrong I hear you ask? Cable routing – some kind person has routed all the cables through the 5.25″ drive bays, rendering them useless. They’ve even routed the front connector cables for the case via the bottom of the drive bays. “Fuckery!” I hear you cry – and you’d be right.

In the middle of last month, my old PC workhorse gave up the ghost – five long hard years of service had taken their toll, the machine is now dismantled and down the tip! So I ordered a new “custom build” from Novatech. Initial disappointment that they couldn’t get the machine together quickly was soon forgotten as I’d modified the base build for something all together better. Sooo… a couple of weeks roll by and I eventually receive the machine (Packaged very well I might add) in the post, only to find that they’d made the mistake as pictured.

Not a big mistake you might think. Anyone could make it, right? Wrong. Massive mistake. The whole point of getting Novatech to build the machine in the first place was so I could avoid the boring mundane shit of building a PC – I’ve better things to do with my time. So I ended up taking it apart and rebuilding in a sensible way which allows use of the drive bays. There goes 1.5 hours of my time I’ll never get back again. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the time which gets me ranting, it’s the reason why! Novatech are an old company, I used them since the 90’s when I bought my first 14.4k USR Robotics “Stylus” modem from ’em. Over the years I’ve recommended Novatech to many friends and colleagues – “Go to Novatech, they’re brilliant, great customer service, brilliant prices, and they’ve never let me down!”. Years back they were fantastic – had a PC Delivered with a DOA PSU – Called them up, they sent a replacement in the post the same day, didn’t even want the old one back – brilliant. Back in the day, my “Goto” was Novatech – why go anywhere else when they were just so damn good!?

2019. Wow. What a complete change. Build a PC as part of a (Not inexpensive) order, and get it wrong. When complaining, do they admit this – no. Do they give me back the money I spent with them to have them unbox the parts and put them together for me? NO. All I get is “Sorry for the inconvenience!”. Wow. The entire point of ordering a custom build from them was to avoid putting it together. Don’t get me wrong, this may have been “lazy” of me, after all I am more than capable of building a PC – a simple but time consuming and fiddly thing to do – easier for them, they’ll have a work space designed to facilitate this stuff etc. It’s part of the service I paid them for, they got it completely wrong, and nothing. I expect better from a company I’ve showed loyalty to for 25 years!

Novatech: What happened? I’ll certainly not have you as my “goto”, I’ll just waste my own time and get stuff done myself, first time right, no fuckery. I’ll cease the steady stream of recommendations which have lasted 25 years – All because in my most recent customer service experience, you now suck at customer service to me. I’m so disheartened by the response from your CS rep, I’ve given up e-mailing and trying. I’ve given up on Novatech.

Just a note to anyone reading this article. Don’t by any means let it stop you from ordering from Novatech, as stated for 25 years they’ve been a fine company. Go Google them for yourselves, and make up your own minds. Everything above is my own true to life experience, opinion, and nothing more.

Rantlets – Road Rage, Speed Cameras, Speed Bumps

Rantlets – don’t you just love a good rant? Well, here are some mini rants – Agree or not, at least have a laugh, you twisted little bugger.

Just as a strict disclaimer… If you’re offended by this, assuredly none of the below (Or anything on this site) is targeted at you as an individual. Nothing here is anything-phobic, or rasist, or anything baring a good rant and dark-sardonic humour. If you don’t like industrial level swearing which would make satan bush, then scroll on by and don’t whine that you weren’t warned. If you’re offended, scroll on by and enjoy your life. If you laughed at this article – I like you 🙂

Continue reading Rantlets – Road Rage, Speed Cameras, Speed Bumps

Reasons why I’m not a c*nt

Reasons why I’m not a c*nt.

This is going to be a short article.

Erm… maybe.

Yeeeee nah, I’m a c*nt really.

Click the link below. You’d better like swearing though. There’s a fuckton of swearing, and for the less educated amongst you, that’s like 1000 shittons. So if you don’t like professional industrial level swearing which would put a roughneck to shame, or if you’re a snowflake, then scroll on by and have a nice life, otherwise read on.

Continue reading Reasons why I’m not a c*nt

Rantlets – Murder, Freakiness & The young who can’t use a telephone

So – Rantlets – A series of mini-rants on random topics

I do love a smash of random rants – good for the soul.

These Rantlets have been brewing for a while, eking out their thin veil of truth, trust, and a bucket full of sardonic-mode moral outrage. I’m letting them roam into the thoughts of the public. Keep Calm, and RANT on!

Just as a strict disclaimer… If you’re offended by this, assuredly none of the below (Or anything on this site) is targeted at you as an individual. Nothing here is anything-phobic, or rasist, or anything baring a good rant and dark-sardonic humour. If you’re offended, scroll on by and enjoy your life. If you laughed at this article – I like you 🙂

Continue reading Rantlets – Murder, Freakiness & The young who can’t use a telephone

A deep dive of the killer-chicken spabbit-hole

Today I stumbled upon summarized trash-science piece headlined “Eating fried chicken every day could mean you die earlier, according to a new study”.

Oh dear.

A internal conversation was immediately kicked off in my mind, it went something like this:

  • Voice 1:
      Oh shit, I’ve eaten a LOT of fried chicken!
  • Voice 2:
      It was delicious.
  • Voice 1:
      But if you carry on, you’ll die.
  • Voice 2:
      I welcome the prospect of death by fried chicken.
  • Voice 2:
      I want KFC, now.
  • Voice 1:
      Well you can’t – it’s not even 7 in the morning.
  • Voice 2:
      Fuck.
  • Voice 1:
      Meh.
  • Voice 2:
      *silently plots to have a KFC later*

You think that’s bad? I have to put up with that 24/7 – and sometimes, I don’t even know what those inner voices are plotting. Fuckers.

Oh, and don’t even think of Googling “Killer Chicken”, apparently in some-place somewhere it’s a thing:

Bit of a shitty post

Shit-headAs the title implies, this post will detail the one thing in life which we all have in common (Apart from dying, butt that’s taking the darkness too far around the u-bend)… And that is shit – poop, shite, discharge, dung, and stool. Merde, Scheisse, Kak, Mierda, and Gówno. I don’t want you to assume that this article will be guano, it’s going to be solid gold epically funny shit

Getting to the matter at arse – we’re all full of it – shit – from the caveman to the supermodel to the tramp, we all have the shittiest thing in common – it’s the great leveller – pigs have understood this for years, and the shitty little buggers literally roll in it given half a chance!
 
Now this article will detail some of the different shits out there, and don’t assume for one minute that I’ll cover all the shit in one article, but this is my unique shitty view – coming soon to a loo near you 😉

  • Express Shit
    • This is the sprinter of shite, the prince of the playing field – this one will exit your arse at warp and with a happy little splashdown, and when looking down at this roadrunner fast little bastard, you’ll wonder if it ever came from your arse when it winks up from the pan!
  • Hot Shit
    • Now this little shit can only occur in the classical cycle observed during the morning after. Now the night before the morning after in this case will contain one or more of the following, and indeed the night in question may have been fuelled by an alcohol-induced-moment of fuckit which invariably involved a Vindaloo, or some kind of kebab with entirely much too chilli sauce!
       
      The hot shit, the ring sting, the ring of fire – there can be only one King of the Arse, and that, dear audience is the Hot Shit! Some have even wept buckets for just being in the presence of this royalty 😉
  • Torpedo Shit
    • The images which the word torpedo will conjure will range from old war movies right through to the computer generated images of space-battles, but none of them match the real-life experience of the torpedo shit – this streamlined little fucker will get the sewer sonar in a right pinging mess! Exiting the arse port at maximum speed, it efficiently cuts a hole through the surface tension, propelling it around the u-bend and out into the main channel without even a splash!
       
      You’ll know you’ve had an event with this one, but scant evidence will remain!
  • Stealth Shit – aka shit-ghost
    • The genuine spirit of this article – the B52 with the smelly payload – this is one sneak which those pesky kids and their dog will never catch! This is the prince of darkness shit – you’ve sat down, blinked, and there it is – looking up like a brown ghost in the night – and you’ve no idea how it got there. You stand in front of the great portal and wonder if you actually went – the evidence will speak for it self…
  • Bomb Shit
    • BOOM! Shake the pan! The Bomb Shit is here! We’ve all been there, this tightly packed dense ball of crap has been building itself in your bowels, probably after eating something you shouldn’t. The Bomb Shit hits the water with all the grace in which bricks don’t, and produces the splash of the century – when this fucker splashes down, you’ll think your arse needs a towel, not just some bog-paper…. Eugh!
  • Bollard Shit – aka shit-baby
    • For anyone who doesn’t know what a Bollard is (No relation to Bollock), please go educate yourself here. The Bollard shit, often referred to in its most specific form of Concrete Bollard, is the grand overlord of shits. U-Bends quiver in the night at the thought of this absolute beast of a shit.
       
      It’s the shit so big, men actually talk in the bathroom – the sanctum of silence… So big as to make grown lumberjacks shed a tear. It’s the shit men refer to when taking the piss out of preggas women when men say the imortal line “I’ve taken a shit bigger than that baby”, and indeed like child-birth there can be some tearing in the mix. The terror of the sewer – I give you the Bollard Shit!
  • Plug Shit
    • Ending the days of no-arsetivity, coming in a strong contender for the most famous shit of all time, the Plug Shit. This little bastard is the broken down car causing the fifty mile tailback on the highway. When the Plug Shit happens, it’s an event. When the plug shit happens, batten down the hatches (And open the fucking window for fuck-sake), because there’s gonna be an arse-storm of epic proportions coming in the near future. I give you the prince of the arse-jam, the great bringer of relief – the Plug Shit!
  • Snake Shit
    • Slinky little bastard… you know the one, when you’re taking (or giving?) a shit, and it takes time, you can feel this one going and going and going… This sometimes happens after the Plug Shit, but bloody hell, it’s no an arseing around matter – this is some serious shit! This is the shit where people flush half way through (but not living on a prayer) with it still attached like some kind of sick brown umbilical connected to the main-line. It’s the hose from the brown port – don’t look down, it’ll bite!
  • Shitplosion – aka Blunder-Shit aka Shot-Shit
    • The grand exploder! The Shitplosion also often occurs after the Plug Shit has finished its performance, exiting u-bend. This is a nasty little fucker, and is often proceeded by rumbles in the brown jungle. This doesn’t so much as exit the brown port, it’s more a case of getting the fuck out. Remember the Mythbusters episodes where they tried to paint with explosives – I swear they got the idea from the Shitplosion – the one event guaranteed to coat the white funnel solid brown in a matter of a scant second. Boom, muthafuckers 😉
  • Event-Horizon Shit – aka Alternate Dimension Shit
    • Often proceeded by the thoughts of “How Big!?”, and “Where the actual fuccckkkk is this coming from”, I bring you the shit which doesn’t stop, the plop plop plop polpper of the pan. Seriously can one body even contain so much shit? You’ll be dining out on the stories and flashbacks for this epic shit-show!
  • Honourable mention Shits
    • No self respecting arse of a shitty article would be complete without mentions of “Fucking Shit!”, “Holy Shit!”, and finally “Oh Shit!”

Now if you’re still reading at this point, you’re some tough shit, but even tough shit deserves some light relief – so my shittiest couple of jokes:

A Dung Beetle walks into a bar. It says to the Bar-Tender “Is that stool taken”

I don’t want you all to think that all my favourite jokes are shit-based, but they always come in a solid number two…

(I know you’re wondering… there are 63 mentions of the word shit (now 64!) in this article!)

Finally, don’t say I never post anything educational 😉